Find Me
by SinAndSyntax
Summary: Everyone has a tipping point, and it seems Spock is well overdue a fall. Thankfully Leonard is there to help him pick himself back up. (Even Vulcans are not immune to depression)
1. Chapter 1

Leonard notices the little things. When Jim is feeling frustrated he overdoes it in the gym and limps onto the bridge the next morning, knuckles red and swollen and another punching bag ruined. Chekov can be seen eating borscht in the mess hall when he is homesick, uncharacteristically subdued, staring into his food instead of chatting animatedly. Sulu spends his off duty hours in the arboretum when he is missing his daughter, nurturing his plants in place of her. Leonard notices these things because he is a doctor, and because he cares about this motley bunch of adrenaline junkies who have become his surrogate family.

It took him a while to admit to himself that the reasons he notices Spock go beyond his Hippocratic oath. Spock is... special. And Spock has been acting strange lately. Not that he isn't usually strange - because God knows Leonard will drink to that - but this is a different kind of strange. He's been... _off_. Leonard considers it an accomplishment that he can even pick up on these small changes in Spock demeanour, impenetrable as the man usually is. He took all of the prerequisite psychology courses required for working in the medical department of a starship of course, but despite the (remarkably uninformative) chapter on Vulcan mind processes, he understands Spock about as well as one of Scotty's engineering-based rants. Which is to say, not well at all.

The first few days after the incidents surrounding Krall, he'd felt closer than ever to Spock. Perhaps the idyllic surroundings of the Yorktown were partially to blame, or the fact that everyone was feeling a little high on pure relief and exhaustion. They had connected on that planet, Leonard and Spock, and loathe as Leonard was to risk sounding like a teenage girl, he felt Spock had finally let him in, shown a little vulnerability. It wasn't even awkward after Spock's aborted confession of respect and admiration, as Leonard had anticipated.

They bantered as usual at Jim's birthday party, the insults getting more and more outrageous (and all good natured underneath) and Spock's eyebrow climbing ever higher, the corner of his lip very subtly doing the same. Leonard would call him a green-blooded forest elf and Spock would quietly huff with amusement, while Leonard tried to suppress the affection he felt for the half-Vulcan and ultimately failed.

But that was three months ago.

Now Spock stares quietly into his glass at their regular bridge crew meet ups, (which Nyota likely has had to drag him to) or into the middle distance somewhere beyond the bar, appearing somewhat bored to the casual observer but remarkably spaced out to the trained eye. Jim asks him a question and he answers in monosyllables, his warm gaze and sharp wit glaringly absent. Leonard makes a remark intended to provoke a debate and Spock nods absently, not even bothering to disagree. Leonard suspects he hasn't even heard him.

Spock has lost weight, and unlike Jim, Leonard has never had to hound him to eat properly before because 'providing oneself with optimal nutritional intake is logical.' He had often wondered how Spock subsisted on all those salads, what with the rigorous physical training he did on the ship, but in his physicals he always came up healthy as a horse so he left him alone about it.

Now he is drawn and tired looking, and much thinner than he was just a few weeks ago. Spock doesn't seem the type to hide an illness from his doctor (unlike a certain starship captain he knows) but Leonard resolves to check in with him when he has the chance, though that doesn't seem likely to be soon. They are all being kept busy on the base while the ship is being constructed. Leonard is working in the main medical centre on the Yorktown, mainly dealing with errant engineers and construction workers who got a bit too enthusiastic with a welder, or some other dangerous construction paraphernalia while working on the ship. He thinks Spock is working in a lab somewhere but he isn't sure. He rarely sees him lately unless he has been coerced into socialising by Nyota (which isn't often, Spock is a stubborn bastard).

"Doctor." Leonard startles out of his musings and turns his head at the interruption, gently placing the hyposprays he had been loading back in their box. Speak of the devil, Spock stands sheepishly in the doorway, looking a little disgruntled at where he seems to have found himself.

"I require assistance," Spock continues, looking at the floor.

Whatever Spock needs help with doesn't appear to be urgent, and the reluctance he speaks with makes Leonard suspect it's something private. He strives to be a professional when treating patients (despite the fact that inevitably when working on a starship most of the people you are treating are your closest friends), but he cannot help a small moment of glee at the thought that Spock may have to awkwardly tell him he has contracted some sort of minor STD. But knowing Spock, the bastard would probably just tell him something like that completely straight-faced without a hint of embarrassment (because embarrassment over bodily functions is _illogical),_ and there's no fun in that. Emotions, now those are a whole different kettle of fish.

"Well why don't you follow me into the office and we can talk about it," Leonard offers, carefully noting Spock's disheveled appearance as he follows him through and they take their seats on either side of the desk. His face is stubbly and his shirt creased and worn looking- reasonable attire for a human on a day off, but for Spock it's the equivalent of turning up in a potato sack.

"I've actually been meaning to catch up with you, how's the side doing?"

"Adequate." Spock is still not looking him in the eye. There is an uncomfortable pause. Leonard leans back in his chair and narrows his eyes.

"So what's the problem then?"

Spock gently clears his throat and takes a breath.

"I believe I have contracted the mental illness known as 'depression'." Another pause. Spock finally looks up to meet Leonard's eyes, and Leonard hastily stops gaping at him.

"You- depression?" he blurts. He knows it really isn't that surprising, considering how Spock's been acting lately, but it's still a shock to hear him say it like that. He gathers himself together and internally winces at his unprofessionalism. He is a doctor, and right now he needs to be helping Spock, not expressing disbelief. He can see how much of an effort it took Spock to even come here today, and from the way he's shifting his feet and looking at anything but Leonard it's clear he's regretting it already.

"Ok," Leonard says, sounding more calm than he feels. "We can do something about that." He opens his desk drawer and shuffles some papers around before pulling out a clipboard, Spock now looking out the window to his left.

"So, first of all I'm going to need to ask you a few questions, see if we can start on getting you diagnosed properly, is that alright?" Spock nods once.

Leonard clears his throat. "Can you give me an indication of how often over the past two weeks you have been feeling down? Every few days, every day, once in a while?" Leonard realises his mistake before he's finished speaking, and waits for Spock's usual objection to use of the word 'feelings'.

"Every day," Spock replies. Huh. Leonard makes a note on his clipboard.

"And do these feeling last for more than half the day?"

"Yes."

"Have you been feeling less inclined to socialise, or take part in physical activities?"

"Yes."

"Can you give me an estimate of how many hours sleep you get every night?"

"Less than three hours, although I find myself more inclined to fall asleep for short periods during the day," Spock mumbles. Jesus, no wonder the man looks haggard, he isn't sleeping properly at all.

"Lastly, have you been having suicidal thoughts? Frequently, sometimes, or never?"

"Never."

"Ok Spock," Leonard masks his relief at that last answer. "The next step is finding you a therapist, I can make you an appointment with someone as soon as tomorrow- "

"I would prefer not to see a therapist," Spock cuts him off. "I feel medication would be more beneficial."

Leonard looks at him for a moment and sighs. "Spock, medication is rarely prescribed without the purview of a proper psychiatrist, you'd need to have a few sessions first to see what will suit you best and then your mental condition will have to be monitored throughout to see if the dosage needs to be changed. Personally, I don't even like to prescribe medication if it's not absolutely necessary, often therapy alone can be just as successful."

Spock's expression is no longer blank, if anything he looks desperate, and Leonard aches with sympathy.

"I am not comfortable talking to a stranger." Of course. Spock is far too private a person to divulge his shameful human feelings to someone he doesn't know intimately.

Leonard's eyes flick down to Spock's hands, which are clenched tightly together in his lap, folded reminiscent of his usual poise and decorum, but the white of his knuckles gives away how uncomfortable he is.

"Well, normally I wouldn't suggest this because we have a personal relationship, which doesn't usually mix in these situations, but I think you might be a special case." He smiles tentatively at Spock, who doesn't react. "I am trained in psychotherapy as per Starfleet's standards, so if you want to talk to me and see how that goes, that's an option."

Spock looks up and Leonard is alarmed to see a sheen in his eyes, reminiscent of their conversation about the death of the ambassador on Altamid, except then he had been choosing to express his grief. Now he looks like he's given up.

"I would like to attempt whatever you conclude will help," he whispers. "I find I am no longer in control of my emotions and I would like this to stop."

He looks so incredibly pathetic that Leonard itches to reach across the desk and grab his hand in solidarity, or perhaps throw an arm over his shoulders. His common sense tells him that this would not be well received. He takes a sticky note from the pile on his desk and scrawls a time on it.

"Tomorrow morning ok? In here?"

"That is acceptable," Spock replies, taking the note. He folds it carefully and sticks it in his pocket before standing up slowly and wandering out of the office without so much as a 'goodbye'.

There was a point when Leonard would have been loathe to admit feeling any sort of fondness for anyone, there's too much vulnerability in someone knowing you care about them, and after the train wreck that was his marriage he was wary for a long time.

But now he has matured a little, has lived through things that he never thought he would and he knows that trying not to care is not worth it. It is the people he surrounds himself with every day that make life worth living, and the moments of sadness make the joy even brighter. He loves Jim, and Nyota and Scotty and everyone else. But there's a special place in his weathered old heart for Spock. That hobgoblin wormed his way into Leonard's affections with his dry sense of humour and his stupid eyebrows and his secret-but-not-so-secret utter romantic gooey core (that necklace, what a sap).

They argue, but everyone knows there's no anger in it, that this is their version of Nyota and Christine's enthusiastic gossip over coffee in the mess hall. Sometimes, ten minutes in, Leonard will realise he's wrong, but he keeps going, his points getting more and more ridiculous and Spock's not-a-smile getting bigger and bigger. He just has to take one look at the way Spock twists his lip and ducks his head adorably and he forgets what they were talking about. Often their exchanges will end with Leonard laughing at the faces Spock's pulling by trying to not pull faces, and Spock sighing in mock exasperation.

More of his time is spent thinking about Spock than he would like to admit. It's easy to let his thoughts wander to what most would agree is almost universally the most interesting individual in the room. And can you blame him, really? With his bow lips and twitchy mouth and really rather large nose that somehow fits his damn face perfectly. And the stupid cap of incredibly soft looking hair that Leonard would give his best bottle of bourbon to spend a few minutes running his hands through. Spock would look cute with messy hair. And those eyes... those molten iron, melted chocolate, fucking puppy dog _emotional_ eyes. Spock's demeanour says 'I need personal space', but his eyes scream 'hug me'.

Perhaps this fixation is somewhat unhealthy. For all Leonard loves Jim like a little brother, he doesn't crave his company like he does Spock's. He's not stupid, not at all (he is a doctor), he knows what a crush is. And he's smart enough to know that this is significantly worse than that. One way or another, Leonard is going to get hurt. He learned his lesson with Jocelyn when it came to overly high expectations. Spock is in a long-term relationship with a woman, probably isn't even attracted to men. The chances that he could feel anything like this for Leonard are exceptionally low. But Leonard doesn't give a shit. He's done with giving a shit.

There will be no distancing himself from Spock and agonising over unrequited feelings. He's going to enjoy the time he does spend with him and hopefully eventually move on. That is the adult thing to do. Spock would almost certainly not be disgusted with how Leonard feels - he'd probably let him down gently and go back to acting like nothing had been said at all. But there is no point in complicating things, especially now Spock is relying on him.

Leonard looks down at his own messy scrawl on the checklist of Spock's symptoms.

He's going to bring the light back to those brown eyes and he's going to do it soon.


	2. Chapter 2

Spock is on time, as always, looking marginally more put together today - mostly in that he seems to have shaved.

"Spock!" Leonard greets him. "Good, take a seat, we'll get started." He flicks through the padd on his desk while Spock lowers himself into the chair opposite the doctor. Leonard clears his throat awkwardly. He is not one to admit to nerves, but while he has experience giving therapy, it is not his area of expertise, and one never knows what to expect when it comes to Spock.

"We didn't really get into much detail last time so I'll need you to fill out this checklist for me, as honestly as you can please," he says. Spock takes the padd with a limp hand and silently starts tapping away. The list is a fairly standard diagnostic tool for depression, and ranges in questions from 'I do everything slowly' and 'I find it hard to concentrate' to 'my future is hopeless' and 'all joy and pleasure seem to have disappeared from my life' with varying degrees of agreement to choose from. It seems blunt but perhaps Spock will appreciate the directness. Leonard wonders how Vulcans treat mental health problems and makes himself a note to look into it. For now, he hopes Spock's human side will mean that at least some of this kind of treatment is successful.

Spock gently places the padd back on the desk and slides it across to Leonard, who notes the continuing silence from Spock. He glances briefly at the padd and places it out of sight in a drawer for later perusal.

"So I think we should talk about how this is going to work," Leonard starts. "There are two main kinds of therapy used for treating depression, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which deals with your own thoughts and moods, and Interpersonal Therapy, which is mainly about how your interactions will others shape your responses and how you deal with things. I have a feeling the second one will be particularly relevant to you, but we're going to try a bit of both and see how it goes." He waits a moment to make sure Spock is following.

"That seems agreeable," Spock finally responds, seeming to catch on that the doctor wants verbal confirmation from him.

Leonard looks carefully at Spock, who is still looking at his lap. "That's another thing, you're going to have to talk to me here Spock, and not just in monosyllables either. This is a two way street, and if we want to make any progress you're going to have to be as open and honest with me as you can."

Spock looks up. "I will endeavour to do so."

Well, at the very least, the eye contact is an improvement.

"These first few sessions will be a little bit experimental until we figure out what works for you. I'd also like to stress that if you feel it's not working with me for whatever reason, don't hesitate and I'll get you someone else. As I said, it's not really recommended to have a pre-existing relationship with your patient."

Spock just nods. Leonard sighs quietly and leans back a little in his chair. Spock is still as stiff as when he walked in, hands folded sedately in his lap.

Leonard drops both hands down on his thighs with a slap. "Right, let's get started then. Normally I would ask you questions about yourself to get to know you a little but I think we can agree that's not necessary here so we can just jump right in. Is there anything in particular you'd like to talk about?" Leonard is certain Spock will state that he has no preference and leave the questioning up to him, but to his surprise the other man starts talking.

"I believe the catalyst for my current state was Ambassador Spock's death and the subsequent ending of my relationship with Nyota."

"You've broken up for good then?" Leonard asks gently, ruthlessly quashing the small jolt of satisfaction that flares up in his chest.

"We retained an amicable association, but ultimately decided to end the romantic aspect of the relationship."

"So in other words, you've decided to be friends."

"Yes." Spock replies.

"Why did the relationship end, do you think?"

Spock pauses, appearing pensive. "Our needs were different. Nyota required a more expressive partner. We would often have misunderstandings that would lead to conflict - I believe this was a result of our cultural differences. I also suspect she felt the relationship unstable after my decision to leave for New Vulcan, she took this as a personal matter when in fact the decision had nothing to do with her. I now realise I was remiss in not involving her."

"And what about your needs?" Leonard replies. "You've only mentioned what Nyota wanted. What did you want?"

"I... my needs are irrelevant." Spock stutters.

"And why is that?"

"They were not realistic. We parted ways because I was unable to compromise. This was a failing on my part, not Nyota's. I should have been more receptive to what she wanted."

Leonard steeples his hands on the desk and frowns. "A relationship takes work from both sides. Likewise, a break up is usually partly the result of mutual dissatisfaction, yet you've only told me what you feel you did wrong. I'm sure there were some things that you were unhappy with. How 'bout you tell me what it was that you felt you couldn't compromise on?"

Spock furrows his brow. "I... I want children. Nyota did not."

Leonard softens a little at this confession. "Do you want this because you feel an obligation to continue on the Vulcan race, or for other reasons?"

"Partially. My reasoning is mixed. I will admit my desire to go to New Vulcan to help repopulate my species was somewhat borne out of a sense of guilt. I am aware there is much more that I could be doing to help the colony, yet instead I am still working for Starfleet. This bothers me." Spock frowns slightly. "But I also desire a child simply for the reason of having one. As you know, I was close to my mother and the relationship I had with her was fulfilling. I would like to experience this with my own child."

Leonard nods understandingly. "Let's address this 'guilt' first. The way you describe it sounds like you're messing around out in space doing nothing. I would argue that by being in Starfleet, you're helping the colony in ways that others can't. You're the only Vulcan enlisted, and this is invaluable to the Vulcan people left. Starfleet provides supplies and workforce for the colony, and you are taking the role of cultural interpreter. In a way, you're like an ambassador. Remember last month when you negotiated with admiral Komack for those extra botanists to be deployed at the behest of the colony? They come to you, Spock, because they need you here. You're useful here."

Spock nods thoughtfully. "I will admit this is not a point I had considered. However, my feelings of restlessness remain. I recognise that I am helping the colony indirectly, but it always seems I could be doing more."

"That's only natural," Leonard says. "Losing your whole planet is going to leave you feeling a bit messed up at the very least, and focusing on something positive - in this case making a new home for your people- can help take some of the weight off. I feel like maybe you're trying to fill the hole your planet has left by throwing yourself into the recolonisation efforts, would you agree?"

"I suppose so." Spock says quietly.

"It can be much healthier to deal with the loss as it is and let the grief take its course as opposed to trying to distract yourself from it." Leonard pauses. "Do you think maybe part of the reason you wanted to go to new Vulcan was to be among the kind you grew up with? Do you miss being with Vulcans?"

Spock shifts in his seat. "No, I do not."

"Can you tell me why?" Leonard asks, slightly surprised at this answer.

"There was some hostility towards me due to my human heritage. It has always puzzled me that despite a philosophy of 'infinite diversity in infinite combinations', xenophobia is alive and well among the Vulcan people." Spock paused thoughtfully. "I believe this is partly responsible for the feelings of guilt, I was not sure if my decision to stay in Starfleet stemmed partially from a lingering resentment towards those I encountered in my childhood."

"Why don't you tell me more about this hostility? Was it from your peers, your elders...?"

"Both."

Leonard nods encouragingly, and signals with his hand for Spock to keep talking.

"My peers were not altogether welcoming of me." Spock spoke softly. "I believe they were also curious, but did not know how to express it. They attempted to provoke an emotional response from me so that I would expose my human half. They were particularly interested to know if I had working tear ducts."

"So they bullied you."

"You could put it that way."

"Was it ever physical?"

"In the latter years of my adolescence they resorted to physical means of provocation. On one occasion they attempted to bob the tips of my ears with a kitchen knife."

Leonard splutters, "That's- that's awful! Why on earth would they do something like that?"

"I believe their reasoning was that I was not a true Vulcan and therefore did not deserve to look like one."

Leonard attempts to close his mouth which has fallen open in outrage.

"Do not be alarmed," Spock continues. "I attained superficial injuries at the most."

"That's not the point. The point is they tried. You do understand that what they did to you was awful, right? You are perfectly entitled to feel angry about this. Was this the worst that they did?"

"Physically, yes."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The... occurrence that I believe affected me the most did not result in injury." He looks up at Leonard, who looks back reassuringly. "You understand, doctor, that some exterior Vulcan anatomy is different from that of humans."

"Of course, I'm a doctor." Leonard says, wondering where this is going.

"Particularly the genital area."

"Oh no."

Leonard didn't think it was possible, but Spock looks embarrassed now. "Quite. My contemporaries were curious as to whether my anatomy was that of a human or a Vulcan, or something entirely different altogether."

Leonard cringes with sympathy, seeing where this is going.

"As you know, being my primary physician, this region of my body matches that of a human. The other children thought this was extremely amusing. This information, of course, was acquired by force."

"So they what, held you down and...?"

"There were pictures taken, which circulated online for a number of months afterwards. I was left without clothing in a sanitary supplies closet."

Leonard has gone red at this stage. "What did your supervisors do about this?"

"I was punished for public nudity on school grounds."

"YOU were punished? What happened to the others?"

"Bullying would be illogical, and as such, a full Vulcan child would not take part in such an activity. As the only part-human involved, naturally I must have been lying. I was punished for this too." Spock says resentfully. "Perhaps it was irrational of me, but this incident upset me for some time. It was rather humiliating."

"Well- naturally, I mean- those bastards!" Leonard spits. "So much for 'logical pacifists', huh? Spock if you didn't resent these people I'd be worried about you. What did your parents do?"

Spock looks surprised and vaguely pleased at Leonard's impassioned defence of him. "My mother was very supportive of me. My Father took the approach that I had to learn to deal with my emotions by myself."

"So in other words, nothing."

"I believe mother was frustrated with the way the school was run, but recognised that these attitudes were universal and there was nothing to be done. Although she did threaten to homeschool me after I was sent home with a broken clavicle and a concussion."

"Jesus. I'm afraid to ask how that happened."

"A flight of stone steps and a careless shove."

Suddenly Spock's constant emphasis on the fact that he is Vulcan makes sense. He has spent his whole life being told he is not as good as a real Vulcan, that he is _lesser_ , a waste of space. So of course he felt the need to try his hardest to fit in, to _become_ Vulcan, completely ignoring his human needs in the process.

It's not surprising at all his mental health deteriorated so much in such a short space of time - he'd been trying to deal with the massive loss of his planet and his mother like a Vulcan. In other words, pushing his emotions down and pretending they didn't exist. They'd been so busy in the years since the tragedy with crisis after crisis that he'd never had time to properly process it, and then suddenly they had months with nothing to do but relax, and his break up with Uhura - the one constant in his life - had pushed him over the edge.

"Do you think the way people treated you on Vulcan affects the way you think of yourself today?" Leonard finally asks, wrestling with the urge to curse the little shits that had made Spock's childhood hell. He was realising how difficult it was going to be to remain objective in their sessions. He just cared too much.

"I am not sure," Spock responds, oblivious to Leonard's internal struggle. "Not consciously perhaps, but it may have had an influence in the way I view myself, if not the way I conduct myself."

Leonard disagrees, those kids severely stunted Spock's chance to embrace his human side, but Spock doesn't need to hear that just now.

Leonard glances quickly at the chrono on the wall. "We're nearly out of time so I'd like to give you some exercises to do before we have our next session. Do you wanna take this down?"

"I will remember" Spock says sedately.

"Right. Well, we meet up again on Thursday, so before then I'd like you to arrange to meet for lunch, coffee, whatever with a friend. Jim, Nyota, Scotty, it doesn't matter - just a social outing, once a week. I'd also like you to try and get in at least ten minutes of exercise a day, nothing too strenuous, even walking to the grocery store counts. Try and shower every day and don't skip meals, if you can. Three a day."

Spock looks a little intimidated at these simple requests so Leonard hurries to reassure him. "Now remember these are not hard and fast rules, you don't have to follow 'em like gospel. These are _goals_. If you skip one the odd time or only do some of them consistently that doesn't matter, the important thing is you try."

Spock nods vacantly. While he briefly opened up during their session, he now looks as downcast as when he came in. "Thank you doctor." He says quietly, and stands up to leave.

"Spock," Leonard starts just as he's about to go out the door. "Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a long process and we've only just started. You will get better, I promise, you just need to be patient."

Spock nods once and ambles out the door.

Leonard stares after him a moment and sighs, rubbing absentmindedly at the murky ring on his desk from the coffee he'd had that morning. He'd always thought Spock was probably spoiled as a child - big shot Ambassador father, loving mother, only child. But it seems Spock has just as many issues as the rest of them, if not more. A shitty childhood being one of them. They had a long way to go.


End file.
